Alone

I’ve been thinking about how often I am alone. I’ve immersed myself in the days of diaper changes and clinging toddlers as I finished Syra’s Scribbles VI and started reworking Syra’s Scribbles II.  Back in the day, I wanted nothing more than the chance to go to the bathroom alone, and a solo trip to the grocery store felt like the pinnacle of freedom.  Now my baby Justin is about to be a teenager, and I go through the day unattached. I run my errands, do housework, and take classes alone.

Here’s what a typical morning looks like now.  On Monday, I woke up a little before five thirty without an alarm and looked at Facebook, while Mike slept soundly beside me.  I washed my face and brushed my teeth in silence, and did a quiet happy dance when I saw the scale had measured my weight half a pound down.  I’ve been going up and down a lot the past month, though I’ve kept ten pounds off since May.

In my closet, I did morning exercises: thirty wall pushups and two planks held for ten seconds.  I thought about Coryn, who can hold a plank for a minute, and all the people who can do real push-ups or even counter push-ups, but decided that what I do is better than the nothing that I had been doing.  This week I added sideways leg lifts to help the pain that comes and goes in my hips and some foot/toe exercises to help my plantar fasciitis.  I picked out my outfit for the day, which was easy since I always wear a black skirt, pink silk shirt, and pink and blue silk peacock scarf on Mondays.  I change into a jean skirt and cotton long sleeved T when I get home from teaching calculus.  I put on my cross, slipped on a pair of black granny shoes with the special inserts, and took some vitamins, relishing the tangy taste of the gummy vitamin C. 

The house was dark and quiet when I left my room.  I woke Xenia up for the first time.  She says she likes time to wake up.  Then I stopped off at the prayer corner to say morning prayers.  I emptied the dishwasher and checked in on both Justin and Xenia.  Xenia sent me back to the kitchen to make her some London Fog.  I listened to an audiobook and cleaned up the kitchen while the milk steamed.  Xenia came out to sip her tea before leaving to get dressed.  Justin made himself a hot chocolate and packed his lunch. We each listened to our own audiobooks. 

We listened to music on the way to school, and, like usual,  we chose Magic 99.5 for the traffic reports.  We counted the hot air balloons in the sky, which were more than usual since next week is the Balloon Fiesta.  Sometimes we play a song game or a letter game, but more often than not, one of the kids is sleeping on the half-hour commute to school, or they are listening to their own music or audiobook.  It’s so different from my memories of driving with Mom and Ellen when I was a teenager, when I would play a cassette tape on my boom box and we all sang along…. Well, now that I think of it, there were plenty of times when the three of us would each sing a different song at the top of our lungs.  Hmmmm

Work is the most people-filled hour of my day.  My fellow teachers are very courteous, and entering the building is like running into a football field, getting high fives from my teammates as each of the lower-school teachers stands in front of their classrooms calling out a happy, “Good morning!” I climbed the two flights of stairs to the high school level and lurked inside my classroom with an open door and an open ear as the teenagers socialized.  My current class is more taciturn than other years, but being a teacher always sets me apart from the students.  Teachers have to be professional for the sake of the children, and I love playing the part of the excited lover of math who wants to bring knowledge of calculus to the world.  My school is a wonderful, loving place to work, but work isn’t somewhere I should feel vulnerable or share someone else’s vulnerability as I would hanging out with friends.

When my single class is finished, my day is filled with whatever I want until it’s time to pick the kids back up.  Last week, my favorite day had me flying from one meaningful activity to the next.  Straight from work, I went to support my newest best friend Donna at her ex-husband’s funeral.  All I knew about the guy was that he was Donna’s ex.  Thinking about it now, I realized that I know plenty of nice ex-husbands, but I went to the church prejudiced against him, thinking how could someone divorce my most excellent, sweet friend?  Turns out he was a stand-up guy who helped the community and loved puppies.  He was Donna’s lifelong friend, and all his family and friends will dearly miss him.  Albuquerque is worse off without him.  I was so glad I went to celebrate his life and give him a good send off.  Donna was busy, but she had time to introduce me to her son and appreciated my being there. 

After eating a quick lunch of enchiladas at the reception, I ran off to my private Pilates class.  Then I came home and made dinner before zooming over to my Thrill the World Albuquerque meeting, where I practiced dancing Michal Jackson’s Thriller for our annual dance at the end of October.  I loved dancing, but I didn’t know any of the other participants.  I fell asleep exhausted before Mike and the kids were done with their day.  It was a great day that I spent alone.

I love my life now, in which I can do all the things I used to dream of.   I played volleyball with the school I work at, teachers versus students, and we won!  I’m free to take my cello lessons on Wednesdays, and just last Friday, I met up with Sophia at the ice-skating rink. In January, I’ll spend the day volunteering at Xenia’s gymnastics meet.  Next February, I plan on flying out when Esther is due with baby number two, and this next weekend, Mike and I will fly to Oregon for an autumn wine tasting event all by ourselves. I guess what I’m disappointed with is that being free isn’t all that I expected.  It’s another life event on that fake I’ll-be-happy-when list. 

I thought I’d be happy when the kids were big, and I could do what I wanted without them.  I don’t miss the stresses of caregiving, but sometimes I miss having Mom and the babies as my constant companions. 

After my big day, I wanted to write a day in the life of me, but when I finished, I was surprised that, as much as I enjoyed the day and appreciated being able to do so much, I felt lonely when I went to sleep.  At first, I thought it was because I didn’t have any little ones anymore, and wished Esther wasn’t so allergic and I could get a puppy.  Then I remembered all the chapters in Syra’s Scribbles during the days of diapers and Mom’s doctor appointments when I felt lonely.  Back in the day, what made me feel connected was meeting at Frances’s house with Kelly, Christa, and Dobrina and talking to them while our preschool kids played.  We used to meet up at the park with an ever-changing group of friends on summer mornings before the days grew hot.  Kelly and I would drop our kids off at art class in the Albuquerque art museum and walk around Old Town talking about everything.  Then I realized that I hadn’t taken time out of my wonderful, crazy, busy life to talk to my friends.

This week Stella called, and we made time to drink tea.  I told her Esther’s big news, which you will hear in my next Scribble, and there was nothing like seeing my happiness reflected in her face.  Donna and I finally got together for a peanut butter and jelly lunch and hours of opening our hearts to get to know each other better.  I don’t need a constant companion, though it’s so nice when Sophia comes along with me to run mundane errands, when Coryn and I clean up the kitchen together, or when one of the younger kids stops by to help me with a puzzle in the evening.  I like checking in with Mike between my errands and housework, and I love our date nights.  However, to not feel lonely, what I need is a couple of hours of girlfriend time each week.

Next week I’ll keep up my cello lessons and Pilates, and I’ll spend hours cleaning the house and making dinner alone.  Then I’ll plan on setting up some walking dates or lunch meet-ups with some girlfriends I can talk to.  Maybe Dobrina is free to take a walk around her park this week.  Maybe Donna and I can fit in time to talk before or after I tutor her son in math. Stella and I haven’t been to the Bosque in forever, and Kelly and I need to meet up for lunch and reading of whatever I’ve been writing.  I might even meet my next newest best friend.  My teacher of the Thriller dance invited me to a free line dancing class on Monday mornings.  I just need to make sure that somewhere, somehow, I made some moments of connection happen.