“And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
On Monday, which happened to be President’s Day, I made koliva, lit a candle, and said a prayer for my dad on the anniversary of his death. I did it to be the kind of daughter who remembers the dead. His death restored a relationship between us that didn’t exist when he was alive, and we were estranged.
I am so thankful that through my difficult youth, I had what so many of my friends didn’t have. I had the unconditional love of my mother. I had a mom who chose to put her girls above everything else. A mom who fought for me and believed in me. A mom who was an example of faith, hope, and love.
This week I’m learning the difference between faith and hope and expectations. As it turns out, what I want isn’t always God’s will. I don’t know what God’s plans are. I don’t know what will come next in my life or even what will happen tomorrow.
For my most recent writing class, I worked on a story from 2010 for my new book in which I took Mom to a doctor’s appointment. I wish I could trust God the way Mom trusted me. She sometimes would forget the agenda for the day, and I would get so tired of answering her questions that I stopped telling her where we were going.
I’d say, “It’s time to go,” and she’d go to the car not knowing if we were headed for the hospital or to watch the hot-air balloons from the Starbucks at Target. She might have some memory of the plans we had discussed. As she sat beside me, her humming might take a dark shade of “Dum Dum Dum” or a bright “Doop de Doo,” an indication of dread or excitement. Sometimes she would look out the window and say nothing. Life was a series of unexpected scary moments and pleasant surprises, but she trusted me to take care of her when we went to places that she didn’t want to go. Whether I stayed with her when she needed me or dropped her off when she could handle what was before her, she knew I’d always bring her home.
I want to have Mom’s faith. It’s hard to let go of my own plans and go along for the ride to see what God has in store. It’s even harder to trust that God is taking care of my children, that He holds their lives in His hands as much as He holds mine.
If Mom were here, she’d probably say, “This too shall pass.”
I’d say, “Like a kidney stone, Mom. Like a kidney stone,” but I’d know she was right.
My expectations are broken. I feel insecure about the future, but there does remain hope. I do have faith. More than that, I cried out for help and my friends and family surrounded me with solidarity and love. I am so thankful and feel so humbled by how much I am loved.
Even in my disappointment, anger, and sadness, when I felt so alone, I was not alone. Though in my bitterness, I couldn’t bring myself to pray, God did not forsake me. I was lifted up by the prayers of those who love me.
I spent a few precious hours with a girlfriend who is a witness to me of God’s amazing love. I see how much He has done in her life and see what a loving God He is and know that somehow, He loves me that much too.
When tomorrow comes, I intend to be faithful in whatever is put before me to do, to be loving and kind, and to pray for people. I pray that I would have faith in God, that I may hope for the best, and most of all that I would go forth with forgiveness and love.
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There are so many troubles in the world at large, but in my personal world, today there are many things for which I give thanks. I’ve spoken with both my big girls recently. Esther is doing well. Sophia will be home soon. The process is underway to search for a new headmaster for our Orthodox classical school.
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