I’m Not Fine

“We decided to do what’s best for our family.”

“I need to do what’s best for me.”

I’ve said such things myself.  I’ve supported many a friend saying something similar. 

Lately though, coming from all directions the people in my life making big life decisions are leaving me behind.  I hadn’t ever considered the rejection eminent in a declaration that one should do what’s best for oneself or one’s family.  The best for them is obviously not the best for everyone.  I feel small and unimportant.  Low on the considerations when someone else is choosing what’s best for them.  It seems that no one is out there asking themselves, “What’s best for Syra?” or “What’s best for the things that Syra cares about?”

“I’m leaving, but you’ll be fine.”  I can’t stop thinking about the night my dad left.  How I watched him pack his clothes and walk through the house one last time.  He walked out the door and out of my life.  The next time I saw him, thirty-some years later, he was a pile of ash inside a plastic bag inside a little cardboard box.  The next time I saw him was when I buried him.

Why do people say that when they leave?

“He’ll be fine”

“She’ll be fine.”

“The church will be fine.”

“The school will be fine.”

“You’ll be fine.”

Will we be fine after we process the feelings of sorrow and rejection?  Will we be fine after someone else steps up to fill the places left empty or when the holes that linger turn into memories of better times?

I’ve pulled up my roots enough to have lost my sense of belonging.  I long to move back to my old friends.  I think about moving on.  As much as it feels that God has put me in Fort Worth, my history of moving makes it hard to open my heart to Texas.  Time makes staying easier.  Relationships mature, lives intertwine, and new roots shoot down seeking to anchor me.  Now it would tear me up to leave my school, my church, friends.  It’s human to seek to establish ourselves.  There’s security and peace that come with a sense of permanence, a conviction of belonging.  There’s a reason that the Orthodox Faith considers stability to be a virtue and monks are discouraged from leaving their monastery.

I feel so sorry for all the hurt left in my wake as we moved around the country doing what’s best for my education, Mike’s career, our family.  As much as I love Mike, I feel sad for the boyfriends and fiancé I broke up with.

Those big life decisions were right in multiple ways.  That didn’t stop the hurt of leaving friends behind, severing ties, disappointing the people who had counted on me to be there.

Some people I work with have announced that they are leaving.  They have a better offer.  They are going to do what’s best for their family.  On one level I’m trying to be happy for them, but I mourn the friendships lost when they and their families move away.  We won’t see each other in passing.  No more meetups for coffee.  No board games.  No dinners.  No long conversations.  They may feel like we will get along fine without them, but I am disappointed to see them leave.  Our love for the school was the bond that held us together.

The other big sorrow in my life was the ending of the engagement between Esther and Joshua.  Joshua is a delightful young man.  I’ll miss spending time with him.  They were so young when they started dating.  Esther was just shy of her eighteenth birthday.  Over the past three years, they’ve grown into wonderful young adults but matured into different people.  Their breakup is for the best, but heartbreaking nonetheless. 

I’m thankful for writing as a way of expressing my feelings.  As Justin says, I have very big feelings right now.  Disappointment.  Rejection.  Sadness.  Fear for the unknown future.  My overwhelming feelings have taken me by surprise.  Who knew after all these years words could be so triggering?  I despise being told, “You’ll be fine.”  Everything will work out and God has a plan and so on and so forth, but later is the time to be comforted by the knowledge that life goes forward.  Tomorrow I may be receptive to the new possibilities that change has created, but now I mourn the future that is no more.   Today my heart is breaking.  Today I am sad.

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This has been a crapola kind of week.  Everywhere I turn broken promises are causing pain and suffering.  My college girls are both going through rough times and it’s so hard to have them so far away.  Many of my friends are suffering at the hands of heartless employers or landlords who hold so much power for the comfort of those in their charge.  Monday is the anniversary of my Dad’s death and I have no kind thoughts for him either. 

Forgiveness Sunday is fast approaching and the pain and suffering I see around me turns my thoughts inward and makes me repent for the harm I cause to those around me too.  I hate the evil in this world.  Please pray for me.  I have been so angry this past week.  Anger is sometimes good and productive, but I’m exhausted from my misery.  I want to find a way to go forward without bitterness.

The most hurtful of the broken promises this week was worst because I feel like such a fool for placing my trust where it was broken.  It hurts because of the shame.  The biggest broken promise of the week is Esther’s news, but in her case, a broken engagement is far better than a broken marriage.  They were so young when they met.