Sometimes the services of Holy Week make me feel like a fraud. In the Hymn of Light we hear, “I see your bridal chamber adorned, O my Savior, and I have no wedding garment that I may enter there.” I listen to the reader chant these words and think how far away I am from the person I long to be, how far away I am from the saint that God calls me to become.
I long to be a good wife and mother. My family has me with all my flaws and foibles. My students love me but there are so many ways I could be a better teacher. It feels tragic that the people in my life have me instead of the wife, mother, teacher, friend that they long for. I hear the readings about Jesus being rejected and feel my own feelings of unworthiness and rejection.
Then I listen again to the second half of the Hymn of Light, “Make the robe of my soul to shine, O Giver of Light, and save me.”
I was talking to my friend James last night after service. He said, “We are here to see the King. The man who was thrown out of the wedding feast because he had no wedding garment had come for the food not the King.”
I am here to see the King, and God in His mercy can fashion my wedding garment, can make the robe of my soul to shine. Lord have mercy on me and save me.
Jesus is rejected now but soon he will conquer death and be resurrected. I go home and make the Cheese Pascha and defrost the Kulich. The kids are out of school so we can attend church. We hear every scripture about Christ’s passion and between the services we shop for cheese and sausage in preparation because we know the end.
We look forward to Sunday when we will celebrate with joy the Day of Resurrection, Holy Pascha. I look forward to the day when God will make me the person I long to be, the saint he calls me to become.
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