I flew seven hundred and eighty miles to Atlanta, rented a car, and stayed in a hotel in Macon, Georgia all to attend a Lenten retreat at a small Orthodox Church where they had flown a missionary into town just so that he could tell me that God loves me unconditionally. That’s how much God loves me. It sounds very self-centered to think that everything in the universe was orchestrated for that moment, but that’s the miraculous nature of God. There are billions of us on this planet, and I believe that God is using every random circumstance of the universe to draw each of us into His loving arms.
Thrice throughout the day, the missionary looked out upon the congregations gathered together to hear his homily and then during the afternoon session of their weekend retreat and said to us, “God loves you unconditionally.”
I came up afterwards all choked up and said, “It’s been a long time since someone told me that God loves me unconditionally. I needed to hear that.” My eyes swam with tears, but the mask on my face partially hid my embarrassment.
The missionary said, “Thank you for sharing that with me. That was the reason I came.”
I know that God loves me. I know that so many people love me. Sometimes it’s hard to feel unconditionally loved though. As much as my husband and children and friends love me and will forgive me for my lack of love towards them, I feel that debt of love I owe them. I don’t want to disappoint them. I want to meet their expectations and be the wife, mother, and friend that they want and need. I made a new friend at the airport on the way home. She said she left Christianity after being hurt by people who called themselves Christian and wore crosses but betrayed her, spoke behind her back, and were unkind. I felt so sad for her and was reminded of all the people who have been hurt and disappointed by me.
When Mom was here and I told her about feeling ashamed or guilty she would put her fingers in the shape of holding an aerosol spray can like Aqua Net hairspray and say, “psshhh pssshh I’m spraying you with Guilt Begone.” I’d duck my face and put out my hands as if to avoid getting wet, but it always made me smile and always made me feel better. I wish she were here to do that for me again.
I’m coming upon the second anniversary of Mom’s death. In my mind, she was the epitome of unconditional love at least when it came to her daughters. We could do no wrong that she wouldn’t justify or forgive, but on my low days, when I miss her so badly it hurts, memories of her unconditional love are overshadowed. I have so many little regrets. So much that I could have done better. Our time has run out and the chance to do more is gone. What has been done must suffice, and she’s not here to reassure me that it was enough.
So it was very powerful for me to be reminded that God knows it all, every failing, every lost chance, and still he loves me. God forgives me and loves me unconditionally and my friend he loves you unconditionally too. Lord have mercy.
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